Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Diary Update |Goodbyes

It's always hard to let go of people that you love, And it's harder to say goodbye when you know they won't ever come back. Learning to let go is the only way we can set our hearts free. I know that, Though it's really hard for me to do that.

Just recently, When my mom passed away,  My world shattered. I know this sounds like a drama, But it's true. All I dreamed of success was always for both of us. 
I have realized so many things now that she's gone... It's harder for me to live without her. My life was so much easier when she was there.I don't have to worry about anything at all. And when I am in trouble, She was always there for me.

I thought she's going to survive cancer. She looks so strong and was fighting it.Whenever I would ask her how she feels , She would always say "I'm ok, I'm a super mama", It never crossed my mind that she's going to leave us. It caught me by surprise or maybe... I was just in denial.

I know this sounds corny for some, But have you ever heard those saying  " Love your parents while they are still alive"? We often hear that but we don't really pay attention to it that much, I was like that before but now I know the point of the quote...

If I only knew what was going to happen to her, I would of hugged and kissed her cheeks more.I would stayed by her side longer, Talked to her more and I would say the words "I love you" until she get's tired of hearing it, These are some of the things I feel like I did it but it wasn't enough..I regret it so much because now I can't do those things to her anymore.:( 

I also regretted that I didn't go out with her as much. Because I am always stuck with my computer games. Whenever my mom would ask me if I wanted to go shopping , I would decline it. I'm so addicted to my games that I missed the chance to spend more time with her. If I could only turn back those times I would shut down my PC and would go out with her more!:(

You know, Whenever someone would hug me~ Like a friend or my aunt. I don't want to let go , I just want to stay like that because it makes me feel comfortable when someone hugs me, I want to think I am hugging my mom.:/ I know it's weird.~ (>_<)~ huhu

It's really hard to say goodbye to someone so dear,The feeling is so much different from loosing a lover because parents are irreplaceable.Maybe time will come when I can already move on without me forcing myself. Right now, Whenever someone would say I should learn to let go, It just makes it harder for me.

On the other hand, There is also goodness in letting go of things... such as saying "bye-bye" to my old habit of playing computer games non-stop.This one is easier for me because I realize how much I missed living in the real life world.So much opportunities are gone because I spent most of my days playing games from morning until night.I would excuse myself to birthday invitations, parties,meetups and meetings. I was having so much fun inside the game that I missed to live and laugh in the real world and to do real life activities.

There is nothing wrong with playing games, But this time I will play minimally.
I promised myself I would go out more.I realized how short life is to missed events, to try things out , to talk more with the other people and  to spend more time with them. Because in the end we don't know how much time we have left in this world, So we better spend it wisely.Hopefully the next chapter of my life would be productive and full of adventure.:)

I think that's pretty much it, I'm ok now, I just want to let it out of my chest.
If you happen to read this blog post and find that it's not the usual cute post, I hope it's ok, I hope you don't mind my drama. I just want to express myself because It really helps me.

Don't worry my next post will be fun!:)
See you!



S said...

Hope you are ok, stay strong.

Lex said...

I'm sorry for your mom's passing. I agree with your choice to get out more often and spend time with your loved ones.


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